Where is my time turner?
Here I am, up all night again with barely any productivity to show for it.
Grief and guilt from feeling so much grief is just the fucking worst!
It is like I am frozen but the time just keeps rolling by. With every passing hour; I hate myself just a little more. Why can't I move? Why is it never enough sleep? Why can't I shake this horrible fucking feeling? I am lost in my mind and living a nightmare of ever-impending doom. The bills are piling up. The chores are never-ending. The weight of it all is becoming suffocating.
I am extremely grateful for what I have and in that respect, I am even more ashamed for feeling so damn lost, so depressed, and so broken. There are so many things that could be extremely worse. There are people suffering far worse than I am. How dare I feel this way???!!!
It is a vicious circle of trying to list the blessings in my life to feel better about my situation and then feeling so ashamed for the fear, the sadness, and the way my heart weighs so heavy while being so broken at the same time.
I yearn for love. I dream of affection and feeling comforted. While in the same damn breath; I self sabotage the very thought of it. Those that would genuinely care for me, I push away with a broad arm. I scold the ones that extend their arms in an embrace and wanting because "can't you see I am not worth it!" and "can't you see I don't deserve it!"
How I would LOVE the embrace and the nice evening but no, my brain screams in fury that I am fucking pathetic and deserve the sadness raging through my veins.
Every single time I allow my inner self to feel an ounce of security or pride; the bottom falls out and I am left worse than before. I am trapped in a prison of my own design and of my own actions. I am entombed in my own worst nightmare of my own damn design. Isn't it such a lovely mausoleum? My failed accomplishments were embossed on the walls. My failures as shrines to a life I wanted not too long ago and yet never existed. Oh no, those were romanticized dreams of complete fabrications.
As the sun rises and the sleep I should have crawled into weighs on my mind; I stare at my unmade bed and the mass amount of chores yet to complete. The list of shit I keep putting off but can't for much longer as my life continues to fall utterly apart at the seams. Shitty craftmanship really.
Please just turn back the clock! Let me go back to a time before I ruined my chances at a decent life. When I could save correctly, budget better, choose more wisely, run when I had the chance, and hide when it inevitably fell apart as I am destined to fucking fall.
